She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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