u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
