There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
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