i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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