Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
