Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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