If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
