man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
