i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
