just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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