he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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