You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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