I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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