Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
