I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
