Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Can I color on your dick again?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
