I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
