You can't motorboat a personality
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize