Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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