How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
