I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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