just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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