Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
