omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
