I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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