Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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