WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
