So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
