My sheets look like a crime scene.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize