Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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