so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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