remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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