he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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