I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
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