im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
