Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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