Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
