He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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