On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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