and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
