The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
