Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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