Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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