You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
