So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
