cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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