I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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