we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
