I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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