Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
