mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
