I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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