I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
