the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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