i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You need Xanax blowdarts
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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