A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
