Me. At least after what I've been through.
...so i touched it.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
