i was born a porn star she said
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
