Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
