She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
